That Hope thing

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and words on my last post. Circumstances aren't radically different in my life, but things have settled, we're all still breathing, and spring is gorgeous.

I'm so thankful to be back at the co-op. Darling and I got here just in time! For a couple of weeks I was babysitting at my sister's house but we've transitioned to me caring for Bel at my home Tuesday through Thursday. I thought this would be a bit overwhelming for some of my seven housemates, particularly those who work at home, but it's actually gone really great. Me being at home directly results in more food and baked goods being produced in the kitchen - even when I'm kneading dough and chopping veggies one-handed. So the housemates who might otherwise frown at the tiny invader are placated by yummy regular meals. Another housemate in particular is absolutely fantastic with the baby and actually looks forward to seeing her all day while he's at work, and happily takes her over the moment he walks in the door, which gives me something of a break.

The little tyrant is a good influence on me in that she pretty much refuses to be happy unless we are working in the garden. So - again, with only one hand - I find myself pretty constantly watering, weeding, training, and planting. I have to be careful with her in the sun which means working in the shade as much as possible, but we're able to pot seedlings and slowly plant the little starts, even if it's only one or two little tomatoes put in the ground every day. Yesterday we harvested cabbage and green peas for soup. Today it was chard for another soup...we've seen a lot of soups, as I need throw-it-in-a-pot-and-walk-away meals.

I cut my diners down from two days a week at the diner to one, which is scary. But I'm absolutely determined to get my business off the ground and equally determined to devote some time to my own dreams and goals. Paying rent for April and May was easy enough, so I'm willing to really be careful in June and maybe start really paying myself from my business. Remember that hope thing I was talking about in my last post? I really see a future in which I can cook, garden, and bake all day with the kid(s), craft all night, and have surplus funds to share with my community. That is my reality.

So, things are better. Much better.

springtime in the valley of death

So, I had a really really rough month. I've said that in the past, but nothing I've ever experienced even begins to compare to the quagmire of grief and despair that took up the entirety of my body and soul these past several weeks. I don't want to go into too many details, but it's been really, really hard.

Resulting circumstances are worth noting, though, and include the following:

* I'm babysitting for the baby niece, a lot, for the foreseeable future.

* My Dad is in the hospital

* I bought a mattress set

* Darling is unemployed and I work overnight on the weekends

* I owe my Mom $17,000 for her truck

* I'm ultimately going to pay this because she doesn't qualify for medicaid

* She could qualify for medicaid if she wasn't hoarding money for the sake of having something to leave in her will, which makes me feel insanely bitter but let's just move on, 'k?

* I also owe a hospital $1,600 for the five hours she spent in the emergency room after what was effectively a prank call she made out of drunken malice.

* I didn't track my income or expenses in March, breaking a three-year streak in being quite good about that sort of thing.

* My net worth did increase in March, and I don't know how to cope with the fact that it has plummeted into the negative $20,000 range with the acceptance of the truck.

I was ready to give up on The Challenge, give up on everything, but such is not my nature. Darling said I was depressed the other day and I disagree. I am not depressed. There is a difference between overwhelming grief and depression. I have experienced depression, and this is very different even if it looks similar on the surface. And a big part of that difference is that even though I can't imagine hurting worse and I even fear ever feeling better again because what if another onslaught of agony is right around the bend...I know that I will feel hope again, and it will be glorious. I know that the spring is beautiful even if I can't focus on the flowers, I know that food will taste good again, I know that someday I will sleep for eight hours at a time and someday I will experience the aspects of love that have to do with more than obligation and servitude. This is just a phase that is going to make me stronger, more capable, more empathetic and compassionate.

This is, by the way, a second post. I deleted the first, the first which made me sob to write, the one in which I seriously considered deleting everything I've ever written, damning myself and all who ever thought to better themselves, and receding into a dark private place forever. I'm glad I wrote that post, more glad that I deleted it, and so grateful for this blog and you readers and the strange needle that's threaded itself through the past seven years of my life.

Everything is going to be okay. For all of us. I promise.