In 2010 I...

* Decided to build a house for my mom
* Welcomed my baby niece into the world and babysat her almost every week for the entire year
* Bought into a Dental Discount Plan
* Had someone I never met mention my blog to me for the first time
* had my wisdom teeth extracted
* Baked amazing croissants
* Spent several weeks with my sister while she underwent hardcore interferon treatments
* Got a violin for my birthday
* Had a root canal
* Met Cat, the Lost Goat
* Canceled my overdraft protection
* Made cheese
* Moved a fence
* Worked on a commercial organic farm
* Learned the joys of hiring contract labor
* Wept for Grand Isle
* Made a very bad decision about 200 bales of straw
* Recieved two donations as a result of this blog
* Ate a number of meals made almost entirely of ingredients grown in my Mom's backyard
* Canned pasta sauce for the first time, using home grown tomatoes no less
* Watched a LOT of television
* Helped a friend shoot a film
* Canned whole tomatoes
* Canned pear butter from fruit off my Mom's tree
* Canned ketchup
* Learned to rent and operate heavy machinery
* Realized my husband and I have limitations...and we could get past that
* Installed a French Drain
* Invested in several tons of river rock
* Decorated our bedroom (actually, Darling installed the curtain rods and a friend loaned us the curtains, he bought the paint and another friend helped him paint the room while I was out of town. I put up some artwork someone else created :)
* Learned to make amazing delicious egg drop soup
* Withstood a lot of verbal abuse from my Mom
* Decided I'm the boss
* Was escorted by my mother off her property and had to accept, just before we would pour the footing, that we would not be finishing that job
* Learned just how wonderful my life here in Austin is
* Helped to re-landscape the co-op yard
* Re-caulked a bathroom for the first time
* Replaced a leaky faucet for the first time
* Realized how amazing sleep is
* Read The Audacity of Hope, which is amazing
* Tracked how much of my money is spent locally
* Discovered the best bra shop on the planet
* Finished watching every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (we've been working on this for at least two years)
* Ran a game set in a world that was totally my own invention
* Helped playtest a professional game designer's new world
* Saw Michael Franti and Spearhead in concert, the best show EVER
* Bought a Tracphone, which worked all of two days
* Discovered Capoeira, my favorite activity in the world
* Attended Shambala meditation classes
* Decided I want to be a yoga teacher
* Won the most amazingly comfortable, eco-friendly flip-flops in the world from Beth at Fake Plastic Fish
* Got to meet Beany!
* Got to meet Fred!
* Canned pickled jalapeños from the garden
* Started riding a bike to make cross-town trips
* Learned to make extra money cleaning houses
* Harvested, dried, and ground my own Thai chili flakes
* Received a lovely new lap top computer
* Received a lovely new comfortable bed
* Panicked and applied for a medical emergency credit card, for which I was denied
* Read Your Money or Your Life
* Finally got Medical Assistance to help us pay for desperately needed care

Working on the bike and wardrobe

You know how I missed over a week of bike riding due to a brake issue? Well, there was a little piece of wire that needed to be clicked into position. And that fixed the problem. Thanks to my beloved house mate Em for pointing this out and thereby saving me from horrible, horrible embarrassment moments later at the bike shop.

Today a copy of Southwest Cycling News was delivered to my workplace, a publication I desperately needed and had no idea existed. It lists dozens of bike tours around town and Texas taking place in the next four months and there are advertisements for adult bicycle safety classes! This will be precious reading and planning material in the coming days indeed.

Anyway, the moment my bike was "fixed," I rode it down to the St. Vincent Charity shop on Congress. I decided to spend whatever it took to to buy everything that fit my needs/wardrobe list. I got tired of trying on clothes surprisingly quickly, but approached the counter with enough of a load to really worry about the total sum. Was a shopping spree even this utilitarian worth breaking the bank?

I needn't have worried. Thanks to a sale, and the general low prices of that particular shop, my total bills was $16.24! For $16.24 I got two pairs of jeans, a sweater, two short-sleeved shirts, one long-sleeved cotton shirt, and a blue flat sheet for repairing an old quilt. That and I was totally shopped out for the first time in recent memory. It looks like creating a perfect wardrobe will be less expensive than I imagined.

Driving, Riding, and Authenticity

Yesterday after work I settled with my lap top in the den, propped my feet on the heater, and finished reading the archives of Beany's Brown Girl In The Lane. This blog has almost single-handedly inspired my attempts at daily bike riding (which sadly have been put off since we haven't been able to figure out that brake issue from last week). I've been so absorbed in her older posts that I barely noticed her shout-out to The Challenge last week, and then took a while to really consider her response to a comment I left on her most recent post.

Beany is wary of getting into cars at all and wanted to make a New Year's Resolution not to accept rides any more. But like so many of us, she can't bring herself to offend well-meaning friends when offered a ride somewhere to hang out. The she feels like a push-over when she climbs into yet another steel coffin.

I suggested we join forces and agree to go 100% ride free for all of 2011. Beany's response:

I'm up for a joint challenge! But I've already started mind reading and predicting the future and dreading facing the sad faces (sometimes some friends want to give me rides just to spend time with me and talk which I also like but I also am scared of being in an automobile and trying to have a conversation like everything is normal when I'm thinking, "I'm GONNA DIE!!!"

I can definitely relate. A few weeks ago when my stepmother was helping me apply for MAP and getting me all sorts of important appointments and meetings, I spent several hours in a car with her over the course of days running to and from North Austin. By evening I was desperate to climb onto a nice safe bus, crack open a book, crank up my MP3 player, and relax until safely deposited at my door stop. But my stepmother acted like I was trying to break into Alcatraz in the nude. I barely convince her to let me take the bus home, but she insisted on driving me to the stop a half-mile away from her house and waiting for the bus with me, in the running car, as though expecting a rapist to leap into our midst at any second.

My stepmother was being sweet and considerate. And that's only one of many recent examples of how the amazing people surrounding me are constantly trying to make my life better.

Jerks.

I know what it's like to feel like a pushover because I am The Pushover. For as long as I can remember I have been "mind reading and predicting the future" in order to gauge how my words or actions might hurt others. Desperate to please, but guarded against the inevitable failure to do so, I am the perfect waitress. Coworkers love me because I can not say "no," house mates trust me to over-commit, and I basically go through life walking on eggshells.

Think I'm exaggerating? I made gravy on Christmas for about a dozen meat eaters because no one else "felt like it." Gravy made out of turkey fat. I've been a vegetarian for five years, but I made the freaking gravy because everyone who wasn't me or my husband insisted you can't have Christmas without lard and flour blended with milk.

I'm not annoyed with my friends and family for failing to meet me halfway. Many of them strongly believe that the bus system is dangerous, bicyclists are risk-seeking renegades, meat provides essential nutrients impossible to get from any other food, and that any differing opinions are the result of a "phase." Their opinions are valid, well-thought out, and backed by personal experience and cultural norms. It must be frustrating for them not to be able to relate to my path, especially since I don't talk about it much.

Whenever the most obvious points of my alternative lifestyle are introduced in a conversation, my first defense is always financial. Vegetarianism is cheap, cars are expensive, co-ops are incredibly affordable, cell-phones are pricey and unnecessary for my job, so on and so forth. Rarely do I announce that cooperative living is the most socially fulfilling and environmentally friendly lifestyle available to Western man. Never have I decried meat as murder, unnecessary suffering caused by insufficient need. I don't even allude to war, torture, pollution, dependency, or laziness when explaining my aversion to cars, much less the fact that I simply don't trust any human in the world to get me safely to my destination in a hunk of steel travelling 70 mph among dozens of other accident-prone humans.

One of my many resolutions this year is to become more assertive and authentic, less afraid of offending my adult friends and family. If I want them to understand, it's time to share. Darling and I don't live the way we do out of poverty, but for our love of untold freedom! Our lives are rich in experience and adventure, whether we're lost in the streets of Paris or bickering on the bike paths of Austin. My loved ones need to know that.

How does one become more assertive and authentic by a measurable standard? Well, I could put my foot down and refuse to get in a car in 2012. Much more complicated than simply not driving, much more likely to merit rolled eyes and frustrated sighs and yes, disappointment. I will be forced to explain myself, make my argument for a better world with fewer cars and highways. I will need to be more organized as well, break a couple of habits (requesting rides when running late, for instance). And I will also have to make concessions and compromise: my best friend's baby is due in a couple of months, will I be able to get to and from the hospital on the big day?

2011 was awesome, I learned so much about myself! 2012 might be the time to celebrate and share, perfect and polish. Hopefully I will do more than just be a stubborn pain in the butt :)

Wardrobe List

I've never had a complete, comfortable wardrobe. As a child, I cut the cuffs on my shirts and refused to wear jeans, wondering why clothing had to be so uncomfortable. As a teen I finally understood that the hand-me-downs from my cousin never actually fit. I was short and chubby, she was tall and skinny. Learning to find - and wear - clothes that fit was an ongoing challenge. On the bright side, I still eagerly accept friends' discarded clothing, so the experience wasn't too scarring.

In my family, if you weren't scraping by you were spoiled. School shopping ensured that each child had enough shirts to get them through until laundry day, and two pairs of pants so you'd have one to wear while the other was washing. My Mom didn't sew, patch, or darn, but she did encourage us mightily to continue wearing every garment until it was no more, and nothing ever got thrown away. My little sister had a knee-length purple dress, which later became a short sleeveless summer dress, and eventually evolved into a tank top, without a single alteration beyond cutting off the sleeves.

I never quite grew out of these habits. My wardrobe has always mirrored my current work uniform, with some jeans thrown in. Thus the two pairs of jeans, one sweater, and a handful of shirts. To hide my lack of variety, I generally stick to the same colors and outfit: I wear a black shit and blue jeans almost every single day. My hair evolves at a rapid, steady pace to keep things interesting.

This year that is going to change. I am going to create a Wardrobe List similar to the Pantry Lists at the beginning of cookbooks. I will purchase everything on the list, maybe with some surplus, maintain each item, and eventually replace it. Then I will feel comfortable and attractive all of the time and be a more pleasant person.

Here is my list and notes:

* Underwear (12) Obviously. I want to say "cute" underwear, but it would provide a false impression of my real life wardrobe.

* Bras (7) The only place to buy bras in Austin, in my opinion, is Sew Sisters on East 3rd. Go there right now.

* Socks (7) I have a grudge against buying socks. Cute socks, like brand name jeans, are often a trick. Either absurdly expensive (organic wool, hand-knitted), or made to last two or three wearings, cute socks generally fail me within a month or two. This is probably because I walk so much. My Mom buys me cute socks a couple of times a year, they last about three months on average. I'll find something good quality and durable and stock up.

* Glasses (?) I'd like to have a back-up pair, and I'd like some with tinted lenses.

* Shirts...

- 5 basic t-shirts

- 5 nice button-up shirts with short sleeves

- 3 long-sleeved shirts with buttons

- 3 basic long-sleeved shirts

- 3 sweaters

* Pants...

- 5 pairs of blue jeans

- 3 pairs of tan slacks (jeans to slacks ratio will change depending on employment)

- 2 pairs of nice black pants

- yoga pants

- running shorts

* Shoes...

- nice simple heels for dressing up

- good walking and jogging shoes

- flip flops

- work/hiking boots

* Etc...

- Coat, scarf, hoodie, warm hat, summer hat

A Christmas Miracle

Look everyone! I got a soapbox for Christmas!

I'm a little younger than some of my readers. At 25 I don't have a whole lot of worldly wisdom to bestow. But I experienced something this Christmas that a LOT of families could benefit from. If you are recently divorced with young children, I would not be surprised if the following situation is too far-fetched or painful to imagine. If you were neglected by your parents, homeless before you finished high school, and still can't quite forgive those jerks who left you high and dry when you needed them most, I won't blame you for scoffing at this post. I've been there.

But please, for the sake of your children, parents, and siblings, read this post and file it away, mentally, under the someday-if-only section of your brain.

I come from what used to be called a broken home. "Broken" doesn't even begin to cover the series of love affairs, marriages, and divorces that have resulted in a miasma of brothers and sister, half-brothers, step-sisters, ex-step-grandmothers, technical step-nieces, brothers' sisters we've never met, and cousins we've forgotten. I come from a multiple-fracture home.

The 7 or 8 adults who produced my siblings and myself over a 20+ year span seemed to do so without putting a lot of thought into, say, where the kids should go for Christmas. Amazingly, not every child could be at all seven or eight places at once, no matter how much each individual parents sacrificed or how hard they struggled to raise us all properly. Almost every year has been a guilt trip as we struggle to choose who to appease and who to offend, and rarely do my siblings get to see each other for the holidays, much less our aunts and uncles.

This year my stepmother did something radically different and new. She invited her mother, her daughters and their significant others, her first ex-husband, her second ex-husband who is also my father, my brother and his wife, her parents and grandfather, and my mother for Christmas dinner. In other words, my stepmother threw open her doors and invited not just her family, but her childrens' family. Did she do this because she wanted to sit at a table and break bread with two ex-husbands at once under her mother's judgmental gaze? No. She did this because she wanted the grandchildren at her house for Christmas. She was willing to open her house to everyone if it meant winning over the two babies, the first babies in the family in 21 years. And she got her wish.

It was a lovely dinner, a wonderful Christmas. I hadn't seen one of my stepsisters in a decade, even though we are about the same age and loved each other as children. Everyone present got to cuddle and hug and swing the babies to their hearts content. There were no fights, meltdowns, or emergencies.

My Mom originally accepted, and later declined, the invitation. She decided that she would not go to Austin for the holidays under any circumstances. For months she tried to guilt and bribe my brother into taking his baby to her house, hours away from Austin and the rest of the family. Having spent last Christmas, and then most of the Summer, at her house, Darling and I agreed to be with my Dad this year. Needless to say, there was absolutely nothing we could do to make Mom appreciate this. She is furious at all of her kids and only answered the phone long enough to hang up on me.

Raising this family took a village. A very diverse, foul-mouthed, mentally ill village. The fact is, a lot of the villagers can't even stand each other, but they love all of their children, and all of the grandchildren. We don't have to be nice to eachother year round. We don't have to forget, or even forgive, the past. Because the babies, the next generation? They are what matter now, so much more than our grudges and emotional scars. And their parents need all the help and support available. Even the stepgrandmothers, the ex-stepgrandmothers, our half-brother's sister's adopted grandfather is going to get face time with the baby if he is willing to make himself accessible.

I am so grateful my stepmother to have made this effort, to have hosted such a large event. I am so thankful that my father sucked it up and ate dinner with his ex-wife's ex-husband. And I can understand that my Mother did not want to be in that position, that she can't accept that she is sharing my niece with three other grandmothers. I hope she can get past that one day, and that maybe, just maybe, this weird group of people can grow into a cohesive family.

ToChristmas

A little over a month ago, feeling quite down on myself, I went into a nearby coffee shop. There happened to be a sign on the door advertising for baristas, which I couldn't help but ask about, and a few days later the job was mine.

I immediately regretted this thoughtless series of events and tried to quit, but was persuaded to stay on one day a week. After a few weeks I discovered that my other employer had overstaffed and my hours made a steep downturn, and even later the boss told us he would be closing for the last two weeks of the year! Thank goodness that I have this new job to fall back on and help make ends meet, especially as medical bills unexpectedly doubled our expenses!

Today my new boss gave me a holiday card, and inside was a $25 gift card! I can't tell you how awesome this is, it reaches new pinnacles of great. Do you know what this gift card will buy? I almost hate to tell you that it will buy our favorite holiday meal: TOFURKEY. And now you are thinking, what is up with these tofreaks? By now are they just made out of vital wheat gluten and nutritional yeast flakes?

The thing about tofurkey is...well, we don't eat real turkey, or duck, or delicious ham. This is only an issue when eating massive feasts with meat eaters, especially with my family who will have one of each animal on the table. And everyone in the family will look at my 140 lb, 6' husband, and give me That Look. Vegetarians know The Look, especially, no doubt, vegetarian women married to skinny vegetarian men. Never mind that he will have finished two plates of food before most people get started on their first course, will have a third plate of food and then gorge himself on every dessert not containing gelatin. Never mind that the Thanksgiving before last he stuffed himself so full of pie that he passed out on the table. If we don't have a sufficiently impressive looking entrée to enjoy, I will receive warning lectures from untold numbers of ex-hippies and worse, ex-vegetarians, about how this is all good and fine for us, but what about our future children. If vegetarians can even conceive...

So, yes, for the second time we will have been narrowly saved from such an experience with a surprise show of kindness!

Weekly Update

This was a thought process that I awoke to almost every day this week, and which became a sort of involuntary mantra:

What day is it? Am I sure? What day was yesterday, what did I do? Okay, so what else do I have to do today? What am I forgetting? What do I have to do tomorrow?

This isn't because I was busy holiday shopping, writing cards, or decorating, but because almost every day I worked two shifts at a variety of jobs. Mornings might be spent at the restaurant or cleaning a house, evenings spent at the cafe.

Sunday Darling and I had our first bike collision on a narrow bridge. We were riding single file when he almost went over the edge. I stopped when he yelled, but Darling - still wobbling - couldn't avoid crashing into me. Fortunately neither of us went over the side onto the rocky creek bed below. The friends we were visiting gave us a ride home since I was still limping. We had to take the front wheel off my borrowed bike to fit it in the car, and it hasn't worked since. There is something wrong with the brake. I know this is simply fixed, and have done it before, but can't remember the exact process.

After weeks of working constantly and barely spending, my resolve started to crack on Saturday night. I had a glass of wine after work, nursing it for an hour and enjoying every second of being still. Sunday, right after our bike crash, Darling and I allowed ourselves a couple of cans of Arizona Tea. Monday we walked down to see the Zilker Park "tree," which is one of my favorite holiday traditions. We enjoyed some expensive funnel cake, which is one of Darling's favorite traditions.

Yesterday I had a day off work and celebrated with a serious spending spree. On my way to the bank after picking up a paycheck, I stopped into South Austin People for shampoo. I saw the perfect little present for my Mom: a little Austin-themed sampler box including "Berry Garcia" and Barton Springs scented-bars for $20. My mom loves those soaps and buys them every time she comes to Austin. I couldn't resist buying a candy-cane soap for myself, and finally splurged on a soap dish for the bathtub. A few minutes later I was in La Resistencia, a great political book store, and bought the latest Slingshot Planner. I spent $2 on a bus pass to get downtown rather than wrestle with my bike brakes. Later that evening a friend came over for some very low-key holiday festivities, and introduced me to Eggnog with rum. I've had eggnog before and thought it was awful. It's actually quite amazing with Sailor Jerry, and the organic eggnog has a much more pleasant flavor than the chemical concoctions I've tasted before. Darling, who is not a fan of dairy, went to Whole Foods and purchased a bottle of Mead and some vegan marshmallows for roasting.

A handful of us stayed up late watching one of my favorite movies: A Christmas Story, and then hanging around the fire pit until two in the morning. Five hours later I was up and gathering cleaning supplies for a bimonthly four-hour gig. I came home to a sad new chore. One of my house mates, with whom we have lived for over a year and a half, moved home to India today. I had agreed to clean up his room and find new homes for many of his possessions, in return for a small fee and his (very comfortable) bed. It is a heartbreaking task, because we love him very much and I can't imagine our home without him. Sweeping out his remaining clutter and airing him out of our lives is not something I'm looking forward to.

Hungry, exhausted, and sad, I went to Darling and demanded Mexican food, tacos, time to sit and drink Margaritas and hurt. Instead my loving husband put an end on our daily spending, made lunch and put me to bed. I woke up five hours later, feeling much better about the state of the world, and made a quiche for dinner. I'm so relieved we didn't eat out! Having tallied up the money earned today, it looks like we finally caught up with this month's rent and bills. January's rent might be late as well, but if we knuckle down and just keep up this pace, we might actually catch up by February.

A Change In Outlook

Reading Your Money Or Your Life has totally changed my outlook on future plans and current employment. See, for the past few years life has been something of a financial balancing act: I tried my best to find the best paying, most flexible, stress-free job that reflected my personal values. These priorities shifted in the wind: flexibility was vital when I committed to babysitting my niece once a week and cared for my sister while she was undergoing her treatment, low stress was my focus after this hectic Summer, and every time our dental needs go from bad to worse (earlier this year, when I had the root canal, and earlier this month when Darling's molar broke), maximum earnings suddenly take center stage.

The ultimate result has been an inconsistent income, which I'm finding to be less beneficial than a consistently low income. There are times of flood and famine, and we act accordingly, never developing a real plan on how we can achieve permanent independence. Because what are the chances of that happening any time soon?

I decided a long time ago that if I have to work, I want the flexibility and change, the inconsistencies and even the insecurity. Given the choice between doing almost anything from 9 - 5, Monday through Friday, or working whenever I feel like it...well, I'll take the freedom, thank you very much. Regardless of income.

For the first time, however, it occurs to me that maybe in a few years I won't have to work. If Darling and I maintain our current standard of living, and I got a semi-decently paid job with, say, the state, we could probably be debt-free in a year and a half. If I buckled down and saved for another year or so, we would have six months expenses saved. Easily.

I've known this for a while. I played with the figures and discounted the results because to achieve this goal would mean a cap on our standard of living. Darling and I wouldn't be able to travel, or move. I wouldn't be able to take classes. If this seems petty, don't forget that Darling and I don't own cars or cell phones, that we share our groceries with eight other people, that we don't have pets, and we only buy books used with holiday gift cards. We're not frivolous. Travelling is our passion. I honestly can't imagine abstaining for a full year, much less two or three.

But after tracking my progress for this long, I'm able to see how short a year is. 2010 has barely started, yet Solstice is around the corner. For the first time in my life two years sounds like the perfect amount of time to settle down, break out the Atlas, and plan the best trip ever. A trip defined by the fact that we will be, for the first time ever, totally free.

First Bike Experiences

I rode my bike to a doctor appointment on Tuesday. This is notable for two reasons: it was my first medical checkup in years, and also it was the first time I've ridden a bike somewhere new on a schedule.

Much earlier in the year I was given permission to borrow my housemate's bike to get to work in the evenings because my employers worried I might get mugged walking home from the restaurant. More recently I experimented making longer trips, mostly riding to North Austin to hang out with friends or check on my Stepmom. Every ride has felt like a Revelation. I can travel so far in so little time, and the scenery is unbelievable!

Monday I rode to my eye doctor appointment at the TSO I've been patronizing for years, usually on foot. I arrived at the appointment on time, but without the key to my bike lock. Fortunately the nice receptionists let me park in their lobby. Riding home, in the dark, with dilated pupils, was not fun. Probably more fun than it would have been at noon in the Summer, but car headlights blinded me well enough to complain.

The day of my doctor visit I was still nervous about reaching a new destination within a time limit. When my stepmom drove me to the clinic make the appointment in the first place the location seemed like a million miles - or at least a highway - out of my reach. When I woke up early Tuesday morning to experience a rare chill in the dry air, hopping on a bike was the last thing I felt like doing. Using Google Maps for bike directions, I worried about crossing the highway.

My primary motivation was financial: our medical costs this month surpassed $800. Darling and I owe the bank nearly $300, we're that much behind in rent, and bills need to be paid. We set aside a $10 bill to co-pay for this appointment. There was no bus money.

I gave myself an hour and forty-five minutes to reach my destination. I got lost, which is to be expected, but still arrived with forty-five minutes to spare. I felt so GREAT after my bike ride that I wanted to apologize to the doctor for wasting her time. To make amends I let her talk me into accepting a whooping cough vaccine, which is also somehow a tetanus shot, which I've been meaning to get anyway (the tetanus shot, not whooping cough). She scheduled me for a ladies appointment, which was my primary reason for going to the clinic in the first place. It was all quite wonderful.

Riding home was more of an issue. Oh, I huffed and puffed. Crossing the highway was more difficult. I got off the bike and rested more than once, desperately wished I had a bus pass, and walked my bike up the final (very steep) hill to my house. I went straight to sleep when I got home, woke up to watch a few episodes of King Of The Hill, and then went back to sleep. I'm hoping the exhaustion was a side-effect of the vaccine, but I did ride my bike two hours (the clinic is less than five miles away, by the way, but keep in mind that I got lost and travelled extra miles and also I never claimed not to be a huge wuss).

When I woke up, I told Darling I wanted to ride every single day. As usual, he took that as a challenge and has been since riding every single day. Jerk. I, on the other hand, have been walking to and from workplaces because I still really like walking and my jobs (including the houses I clean) are all within a fifteen minute stroll from my house. Riding the bike would cut my commute unbearably short, and on days I work doubles that may be all the "me" time I can expect!

Bangs of Various Sorts

Today I had an interview with a professional HR representative/family friend. He gave me oodles of good advice and I'm actually looking forward to filling out job applications again.

I've been feeling way frumpy lately. I have one pair of jeans acceptable to wear to work, and that is only because the single hole is very tiny and somewhere none of my (male) employers have had the nerve to point out to me. Let's just say that you can see both London and France. Do they have that rhyme in England? Or New Zealand? I wonder what naughty things you are thinking about my pants, or if you are just absolutely horrified, trying to imagine what might be seen through the holes in a woman's jeans that one would see "London" and "France."

Was there ever an Old Zealand, Lizzie?

Anyways, yes, frump. Not helped by the fact that we didn't buy clothing during No Spend month, and for the first time ever ended No Spend Month without a surplus, and then spent $600 on oral surgery so that we are exactly that much money in the red, which means No Spend Month, like this run-on sentence, has been extended by several weeks and into the foreseeable future.

The frump is also not helped by the fact that it is actually quite cold here in Austin and I have only one sweater (to match my one pair of jeans).

I did not want to meet the HR man who will change my life - let's call him Captain HR - looking or feeling frumpy. And when all else fails, I change my hair. I don't know how this habit developed, I don't even know how to braid hair, but somehow this stuff on my head is steadily evolving so that people assume that my bad hair days are now some sort of misguided fashion statement. Which is a good thing, because people respect even misguided fashionistas more than lazy slobs who make up words.

So I emotionally blackmailed my best friend to cut my hair after her baby shower, because my appearance in the coming months should be her top priority. Bless her heart, she has given me the best free hair cut she has ever given me, and I just feel so cute and chic.

Then, after my interview today I went to an optometrist appointment. Last week one of my contacts exploded and convinced me I had pink eye. Fortunately, I was able to beg a free pair of contacts off the nice people at Texas State Optical and regained my vision. Every year I switch between glasses and contacts to give my eyes a break, and I'm always disappointed in my small choice of frames due to my budget and limiting prescription. I always have to ask if they have a separate "affordable" selection (usually the frames covered by Medicaid are set aside, so you have to ask about them). Today, however, the nice woman behind the counter took one look at me, reached into the "affordable" box, and pulled out the cutest little frames. I almost always purchase thick black frames, but normally these have to be ginormous and cover my entire face to handle my prescription. But somehow my prescription getting worse means I need smaller frames - presumably because the glass lens has gotten so thick that the bridge of my nose might just collapse from the weight.

So come Saturday I will be donning new cute little glasses and sporting my sweet new haircut and feeling all sorts of better about myself. Which is the good news. The bad news is that today cost me $224. Which brings our medical costs in the past two weeks to over $800. But fear not: Captain HR has convinced me that I could get a particular job by following his advice, a single job that will pay substantially more than I earn working for 3+ companies. So my goal is to apply for that tomorrow and be hired in the next few weeks so that I start the New Year with a bang. As well as bangs, and a nice collection of sweaters and pants to round things out.

Precious, Precious Time

Oh my goodness, nine days since my last post! What have I been doing?

Not paying rent, that's for darn sure, but I have made a lot of progress.

Obviously I'm working like crazy. Thursday was a typical day: I cleaned a house from 8:30 a.m. to 11:30 a.m., then cleaned up before showing up at the cafe to work from 12:30 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. More exciting was Wednesday: up early for an appointment at the MAP office at nine a.m., waitressing at the restaurant from 11:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m., and then closing the cafe!

Weekends are mostly a thing of the past. I've been working at least one shift per day, usually two, with errands in between. There have been notable exceptions to this schedule: yesterday, for instance, was spent at my best friend's baby shower, last week was a good friends going away party. For both of these events I was obliged to contribute baked goods: banana-butterscotch cupcakes for the first, three pumpkin pies from scratch (as in, starting with a pumpkin, not a can) for the latter. I also knocked out a pecan pie for a local environmental lobbying event.

So I've been busy, but not actually overwhelmed (I say now. Had I published a post, say, Tuesday night, my style would be a little more panic-stricken). My primary regret has been not having a spare moment to be on the computer even to check my e-mail, much less blog.

Darling and I had a really mild anniversary celebration on the fourth. He spent most of the day in bed recovering from oral surgery while I roasted, skinned, and pureed the aforementioned pumpkin. Normally we celebrate with a Mexican Dinner out, but financially and physically we just weren't up for that.

My MAP meeting was a success and we now have access to health care, which is so crazy amazing. Darling has already had one doctor appointment and solved the mystery of his really scary symptom I don't think I ever mentioned here: one morning several weeks ago, Darling woke up with a headache and a bleeding ear. We were all sorts of anxious about that, and he has since suffered mild hearing loss. It's a real relief knowing that he is simply one of many victims of Austin allergies, and his sinuses had become so congested that his eardrum ruptured. I have a doctor appointment for myself on Tuesday morning. We're most excited about dental appointments, but there are only three clinics we can go to and it might take awhile before we can wrangle an appointment.

Today I "accidentally" came to work a few hours early, and am now enjoying the coffee-shop atmosphere I normally enjoy from the other side of the counter. Time to catch up on some blogs :)

No New Job, Lottsa Old Jobs

I played phone tag with that office for the past couple of days. This is a version of phone tag in which the office would call once, and I would call back a dozen times. I am officially giving it a rest. But, I have a lead on another great job, and enough work to keep me busy 24/7, so all is not lost. Thanks to everyone about all the great tips and advice, especially Debbie M. who left me a great tutorial on office attire. I might print it out and take it shopping :)

Right now I only have one eye, because it is just that kind of day/week. I need to make an optometrist appointment. But first I need to pay the $576.41 we've racked up in dental bills in the past 48 hours. I'm incredibly thankful to have understanding houesmates who won't freak out and charge me absurd late fees if we can't write a check in time. On Tuesday my stepmother has promised to take me to take me to the MAP office and get us access to the care we need. I don't know how she is so sure of her capabilities, since Darling and I have both tried and failed, but she has worked in government beauracracy and has experience in such things. In fact, I will let it slip that she is also my new great job "lead," and thinks she can get me a state job. Fingers crossed.

So, the state of affairs is that we're a little behind financially: this month we need to cover those dentist bills, get me an optometrist appointment and a new pair of glasses, and set aside the $159.50 for Darling's tuition payment. On top of the "regular" expenses. But the cafe owner has informed me that he'll be upgrading me to full-time employee for the month, I'll make up for Darling's lost wages by cleaning houses this month, and by this time next week we might be able to afford the medical assistance we need. So it all balances out, and there's no reason to think that I won't start the new year with a shiny boring sitting down and typing job.

December 2010 Net Worth

I tallied up my net worth on the first of the month before heading off to work, but didn't have time to actually write a post. Or sit down at the computer for a number of days, or really reflect on our no spend month.

The first was a Wednesday, so I opened the restaurant and closed the cafe. Thursday morning I woke up earlier than usual and cleaned a house, all by myself, for the first time. I earned a big pile of money for my efforts and really hope the owners were pleased. Then I worked a mid-shift at the cafe and was so unbelievably tired afterwards that I just sort of crashed. Today I just have to get through the lunch shift at the restaurant and I'll have the afternoon to myself...well, and some data entry and other odd tasks.

I've been arranging for this employment surplus for some time, and I'm glad to have it because the restaurant is unexpectedly closing for over a week at the end of the month. So if I didn't have the cafe job, there would be no rent money, much less Christmas cash or anything like that.

On top of everything else, Darling's tooth pain turned into an emergency and I made him a dental appointment yesterday. This cost us $88 for the appointment, which netted him an appointment with a surgeon, and $22 for antibiotics. Darling will be seeing the specialist in a couple of hours, which will cost us a couple of hundred dollars. We have the cash, in a proverbial envelope marked "rent," so this month we will have a lot of catching up to do.

However, a lot of that will affect the January Net Worth. As for this month, we have the following:

$1,602.11 in assets

$11,799.61 in debt

Net Worth: 10,197.50, a drop of $163.47.

I am not happy to see the drop, but I am not devastated either. There are hard months sometimes, and easier months, and better years. I can't wait to be in a better spot financially, but I'm even more impatient to have our medical needs sorted out.

New Job Hunt

I did something new and different last week when I decided to get a "grown up job." I hunted in the same way I pursue customer-service jobs. For anyone looking for a job at a restaurant, coffee shop, grocery store, or whatever, the key is going in and talking to people and filling out the application and basically refusing to leave until someone quits in annoyance and you can take their job. I don't know how people in office buildings get jobs, so I've always gone the online application route. Which might be wrong, as this has never worked for Darling or me.

Anyway, I rode a bike to an office I'd really, really like to work at and, scared stiff, asked the security guard where I might find...um, job applications? If any are available? Please?

To my surprise he very helpfully pointed me to a small busy office right by the door, informing me that the open positions are posted on the wall. There were applications and pens on a table in that room. I couldn't believe it.

I was so not expecting this that I was wearing jeans and one of my normal t-shirts, and don't even ask out my hair. My hair is a wreck. I have that shaggy mullet going on, kind of like Sam from True Blood when he's a sheltie. My hair color right now is actually calico, which would be cool if I was fourteen or a True Blood character. I could play Merlotte's new butch waitress from Texas. That would be hot...wow, digress much, Tread?

This office was not Trueblood related, but they let me sit and fill out an application for a job I was probably more qualified for in college than now. I was feeling vaguely confident until a really pretty, younger girl sat down across from me filling out her own application, all pressed in a sweet little suit and wearing make-up and all that. When I turned in my application, the receptionist started to say something, answered her ringing phone instead, and waved me away. I left feeling as though that could have gone worse, waited semi-hopefully for a call before Thanksgiving, and decided not to keep my hopes up afterwards. I could cope with that experience.

Anyway, after a really stressful day at the restaurant today I came home from work at 4:30, an hour later than usual. At 4:06 that office had called wanting to talk to me about my resume. I called back to no avail, even though the message told me someone would be in the office all evening. I left a message at 4:45, called back at 5:15, and called again at 6:00 p.m. The time has come to quit before receiving a restraining order. I am so frustrated and annoyed. I have had this happen before, only with jobs I really, really wanted. I missed the call, and I will never get a chance to talk to anyone who has seen my application again. When I call tomorrow and ask for Ms. Human Resources, I will learn that she hasn't worked for the company since 1969, if I wander back to that office it will have moved across town and replaced with a Dennys. I missed the phone call, which would have led to my dream job, and now I will be a waitress FOREVER.

I am perhaps over-reacting. Having just missed that call is hardly the biggest deal in the world. I was told to call back in the morning if I didn't get home before seven in the evening. So that will happen, and I'll get an interview.

In reality, an interview for this job is kind of the last thing in the world I need. Do you know how much I would have to spend for this job? I would need a haircut and probably some sort of color adjustment. I would need pants that weren't jeans, or at the very least not ripped jeans. I could probably keep my current "nice" shoes, but I'd have find out what women who wear nice shoes wear instead of socks. Surely women don't wear tights under their nice pants every day? Hose? Do people still buy hose? I've never had hose in my life, I'm not totally sure what this/that/they is/are. I'd need at least five "blouses." I'm not sure what the difference between a blouse and a shirt is, but I suspect it involves buttons and maybe sleeves. And make-up. If I'm actually expected to wear makeup I would need proffessional help. That might be fun. There are businesses that do that, right, give you a little facial makeover and sell you their incredibly expensive pore-clogging chemicals? Soon I'll be agonizing about turning thirty, might as well figure out foundation before needing to consider moisturizers. Unless those are the same things.

So, yeah. I'll either schedule an interview tomorrow and possibly get a shiny new job that will require a mad holiday thrift-store shopping spree, or I'll keep my boring old waitress job, and barista job, and data-entry work, and housecleaning gigs...Or I'll be offered a part-time position, and won't juggling five jobs be fun :)

Thanksgiving and Consciousness

I hope everyone had an excellent holiday. I stuffed myself silly with tofurkey and potatos and creamed corn and so many desserts! My grown-up-but-still-my-baby-sister announced that she married her fiancee (apparently the ladies in my family avoid ceremony like the plague), and Darling and I were house-sitting and watched television until our eyes fell out. Good times. I also had a really good time riding the bike I borrowed.

I worked on Buy Nothing Day, and in fact totally forgot to buy nothing because I needed contact lens solution something awful. Then it occured to me that I have to buy a $7-$12 bottle of the stuff every month. When figuring out the price difference between contacts and glasses, I never thought about the price of solution, much less the environmental effect. Keep in mind that I also simply can't see as well with glasses than with contacts. My vision is so bad - and steadily worsening - that doctors have begun to warn me that lasik surgery is an eventuality for me if I don't want to have to learn to read brail. Which is neither here nor there, but I'll be getting an eye exam in the next few weeks and need to know whether or not I want to give my eyes a break from the little plastic buggers in 2011.

Anyways, last week I took Consciously Frugal's advice and started reading Your Money or Your Life. This is possibly the best financial book I have ever read, and I've been through a lot of that section of the library. One of the first steps is to tally up all the money you have ever had hold of in your entire life. For reals.

So I started with the first money I ever had, a small coin collection, and moved from there. Added the $5-$20 bills in birthday cards, the first odd jobs, the big birthday presents, a small squandered inheritence, graduation presents, several loans, jobs, bonuses, tips...obviously I had to guess at a lot of this, and really had to rack my brain for every single job ($200 for house sitting in 2004...$40 for teaching someone Microsoft Word...) but I think I got most of it pretty accurately.

And you know what? I have been through a lot of money. Like, way a lot. Twice what I would have expected. It's embarassing to admit, but in 25 years and 7 months I have gone through a little over $100,000. I mean, sure I've worked steadily since getting my first "real" job at 13, but six freaking figures? And I'm still this deep in debt? Happy as I am not to own a car, it seems like having spent $100,000 I should have a dealership. And there's money I forgot; I'm just now remembering that $20 bill I found on the road Christmas of 2003.

Do you guys hate me? I shouldn't have mentioned my secret wealth. Now you all hate me. In your minds I have been transformed from the matchstick girl to the welfare queen. Though I am not on welfare.

Whether or not you hate me, I can't help feeling a little betrayed by myself.

Isn't that weird? This aspect of myself, the woman who was able to accumulate and dismiss that much money and not even notice it? I'm horrified. Not about the money so much as by the attitude, the carelessness. Who am I, to have lived such a way?

Which brings me to the point that this is probably not a healhty perspective, and it might have a tiny bit to do with my feelings about material wealth to begin with. Which might have to do with the way in which I was raised. Which might be affecting my current financial decisioin making process in a negative way.

I don't want to get all touchy feely on you guys, but I am considering writing a series of posts on my financial history. Put my background down, all those details I haven't shared with my best friends but might as well be read by lovely ladies in New Zealand. It might just be one post, it might come to a dozen, I'm not sure where it will lead. Hopefully it won't bore you to death. Maybe it will give me insight, and help me move forward, so the next $100,000 isn't so terribly wasted.

Thankful!

How sweet is Catherine? Very, very sweet. She sent me money to buy tofurkey. More than one tofurkey, in fact, as well as the trimmings! I can't believe my good fortune. Thanks so much!!!

When I first dreamed up this blog, it was my hope to make an impact. No, not even an impact. I wanted to make a point, as clearly and honestly as I could, about the merits of financial and social integrity. I wanted to prove that anyone can make a living on almost any wage, that environmentalism and compassion are free, and that contentment can not be bought.

I had all these ideas of what I would give and do for others with this blog. It never occurred to me that I would be the one receiving so much! Whether it's a digital camera from the Lost Goat from a state over (someday Darling will figure the memory card issue out), or a care package from Mel on the other side of the world, not to mention the near-daily supportive comments and advice, I'm blown away by how much you all have done for me. And I don't know how to thank you.

Ramble

There is a very good reason why I hate hunting for jobs. It is the online application form. After working on one for an hour yesterday, something wonked and I lost all of the information. All of the boring, boring information.

Do you like the phrase "something wonked?" You know exactly what it means from the context, no? You can tell that I still hulu episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, right?

On a completely different note, my older brother had his palm read when he was fifteen. The palmist was very concerned by the feminine forces that seemed to be set on destroying Ob's life. Ob was not at all surprised by this, as he had already been perfectly aware of my Mom and Stepmom for most of his life. I am amazed that I have had far more people look at my palms (well, maybe two more), and also had tarot spreads, and no one has given me the same warning. No one has ever said, "your Mom and Stepmom will join forces and make you wish you were dead." And in the event that you think I am exaggerating, my Mom has, in public, thrown back her head and shouted, "I'll make you all wish you were dead." It was the highlight of my 2007 Christmas party.

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if Tread ever sat down with less than 15 minutes to make a post and decided to let the words fall where they may? Well, here you go. I'm spending a lot of time online right now, but am honestly too busy job hunting (for myself and Darling) and doing freelance data entry to spend a lot of time blogging. I will address comments and make more sense in the next couple of days. But what are you doing reading this anyway? Go spend time with your families. Are you seriously reading this before making...um...Thanksgiving-themed centerpieces? Is your tofurkey defrosted yet? Don't worry if you forget, I forget ever.freaking.year. Just soak it in hot water for as long as you can get away with. I haven't even bought mine yet, or admitted to my brother that I have no intention of doing so. Can you make a tofurkey from scratch? And send it to me?

Tread Tries To Sell Out

I will now confess to an exceptional moment of weakness: I applied for a credit card today.

I was half-panicked. Our medical situation is getting out of control. Darling was awake all night with pain from a lost-filling-turned-cracked-tooth-turned-infected-nerve. He's working to get us medical assistance for some time now to no avail. We earn slightly too much money for many programs, slightly too little for the rest. At this point I am willing to do darn near anything to ease his pain: I'll get a job at bloody Starbucks if absolutely necessary, even though that is the most depressing job in the world I can think of, because their health insurance is available to part-time emplyees and apparently quite good.

In the meantime, I did a search of dentists who accept Care Credit, a credit card designed for health emergencies. And then I applied.

And was instantly denied.

What was I thinking? Of course I was denied. My credit, after years of refusing to play the credit game, paired with our ridiculously low single income? It was a definite blow to sell out and discover no one was buying.

The good news ... cause I really need there to be good news ... is that we almost definitely qualify for Austin's Medical Assistance Program. And when I shared my frustration (there were definitely tears this morning) a friend offered to loan us the money for at least temporary assistance, reminding me that as desperate as things seem right now, Darling and I are still surrounded by really loving and awesome folks.

There is also good news in that we are actually receiving hopeful sounding responses from some of the places Darling has applied for. And the other good news is that I have decided to start applying for grown up jobs and get out of this customer service funk before it kills me.

(I will note that we have looked at dental schools, and the nearest one is several hours away and requires a huge time commitment. I have also looked into paid test studies, and we do have a dental plan which has saved us quite a bit of money but still leaves us unable to afford the discounted care at this time. I have spoken to everyone I know, and received numerous leads on dentists who will barter or offer payment plans, but none of these leads has resulted in actual care).

Yeast Discovery

Today Darling and I slept in because last night we used my new lap top to watch hulu episodes of American Dad. He was barely in time to attend a house finance meeting and then had a Quickbooks tutorial. I made us a breakfast smoothie with bananas, grapes, frozen blueberries, and strawberries, then proceeded to bake a loaf of bread.

In Virginia I bought yeast from the Menonite bulk store. I brought home the vacuum-sealed packet and transferred it to a jar in the freezer after opening. One $3 package lasted well over a year, we brought that jar to Texas. In fact, we never finished that jar, because when we moved to the co-op I left it in an unopened box and it didn't survive the Summer :( Considering that before we moved into the co-op I baked bread two or three times a week, that's really saying something.

Wheatsville used to sell small packages of yeast in the refrigerated section for a couple of bucks that would get us through a month of bread baking. Later they had yeast in small opaque jars located in the baking area that would last me about a year. Now they have the little paper packages, roughly three for a $2. Which does not a happy baking Tread make.

Granted I don't bake so often since, as I previously mentioned, doing so doesn't make a dent in our budget. I keep a small supply of the yeast packets on hand for when the baking bug bites, though and through trial and error discovered something unexpected. Even though many recipes call for one or even two of these packages for a couple of loaves of bread, I could get a lot more bang for my buck. A single package can easily produce enough action for at least three loaves of bread.

Today I staged my first deliberate experiment to see how many loaves I could wrestle out of a single packet. I filled our largest mixing bowl with eight cups of warm water, two spoons of sugar, and a packet of yeast. I used a large jar of high-gluten bread flour, and then kneaded in half a large jar of whole wheat flour. I added a little salt, sunflower seeds, and sesame seeds, then let it rise for an hour.

I ended up with enough dough for three bread pan loaves and two Italian-style topped in seeds. they look as good as anything I've ever baked. I'm waiting for them to cool, but a nibble informs me that they could have done with more salt. Still, they'll be enjoyed today by my housemates and I'll stick one of the Italian loaves into the freezer to take to Thanksgiving. And it's a relief to know that the yeast isn't quite as expensive as previously imagined.

The Finish Line

Yesterday I downloaded the most recent copy of the ACC Renewable Energy Degree Plan,which shows the requirements for both the certificate and the Associates. Darling and I marked off the classes he has taken and were pleasantly surprised to discover that, not including his coming spring semester, he is only 13 credits away from the certificate and 28 away from the degree!

He might be able to earn the certificate this Summer, and there is a really, really good chance that he will finish the degree next Fall! By this time next year!

We're so close to being done with this, I can't wait!

Sweet Dreams

When Darling and I moved into the co-op, we had to choose between our bed and our futon. The bed originally belonged to my brother. Now, I can't be sure, but Ob probably didn't buy that mattress new. In the past few years I have seen, to my great surprise, my brother open a bank account, purchase a house, lease a car, and buy some sort of fancy phone. Yet I still can't imagine him, five or six years younger, shuffling thoughtfully through mattressmart comparing prices. No, Ob did not buy that mattress new and there is a very good chance that neither did whomever he got it from. It was probably passed through several generations of stoners and slackers, heck, my parents probably owned it in the seventies.

The futon, on the other hand, was purchased new from Ikea in 2007. As it is the only piece of furniture we have ever paid for, Darling and I decided to hold onto it. The bed went to my Mom's house, where all good furniture goes to die.

The futon was comfortable enough and we spent many happy nights on it. For a very long time the only downside to the futon was Darling's incredibly frustrating habit of WALKING on it. I threw about seven hissy fits about this, but even after he broke a slat in the bed he couldn't be bothered to not STEP on the freaking bed.

The broken slat drove me crazy and couldn't be easily mended. I mean, someone could have easily mended it, but not me. Being from Ikea, the futon didn't exactly lend itself to repair, especially by a frustrated blind woman in the dark right before bed, which was the only state I ever really thought about the dumb thing.

Eventually, the house decided to replace one of the futons in our den with a hideous couch. Darling and I happily volunteered to take in the outcast. Bye bye, broken futon! Hello "new", raised futon!

Not until it was too late did I realize that this futon was the most uncomfortable futon in the world. It feels like a dozen broken slats held together by a much larger broken slat going down the middle. It's like sleeping on the roof of a house. I finally told Darling that we had to get a new bed, even though I don't know how we could ever afford one.

A couple of nights ago, we had a serendipitous offer: one a housemate offered us a couple of pillows she had bought and never used. Her explanation? She has too many pillows. How does that even happen?

Granted, many of you are out there thinking "jeezuz, Tread, people buy this stuff." I have never bought a pillow ever. When there were no pillows to be had, I used my arm. There was a brief period of my life when I was happy to have a carpeted floor to crash on. Sob stories aside, I just never got into the habit of buying pillows, towels, or socks. Darling is no better. Yet somehow we inexplicably own several towels, pairs of socks, and now two really comfortable pillows. Weird.

I was consoled by the new pillows for a few days, then another housemate announced last night that he is giving us his bed. Okay, I'll admit this wasn't completely serendipitous. He's moving home to India and has been talking about selling his stuff for ages, and I had asked a fairly pointed question about his bed last week. But I didn't know until he showed it to me last night that it's a really, really nice set. And, it is practically new, by our standards, having been owned by only one person before us. We'll have it by Christmas :)

I definitely have a lot of blessings to count this week.

Financial Freedom vs. Material Comfort

Yesterday I was on a walk with my brother and an old friend. We passed a cute, slightly dilapidated house in north Austin which is for sale, and he suggested I buy it. For the briefest of moments I wanted to explain to him how I feel about the banking industry, mortgages, the dangers of being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Instead I pointed out the many reasons Darling and I wouldn't qualify for a mortgage: Darling has no credit, mine isn't awesome, neither of us have very regular work histories, or even much income. It was idle conversation, of course, he was just trying to plant the tricky seed of desire so my husband and I will settle down and be normal. But it got me thinking about my communication tactics instead.

There are a lot of reasons Darling and I live the lifestyle we do, and it's not to get rich. It's not that we don't want to be rich, per se, but other priorities win out. And these are priorities that may not make a lot of sense to most people. I envision a lifestyle not of material comfort but of financial freedom, and a lot of people confuse the two. Few people would argue that riding bikes is an excellent way of saving cash to buy a car without a loan. Which is all fine and dandy, but misses the point that riding a bike produces financial freedom - freedom from buying gas and insurance, registering licenses, making expensive repairs. The act of buying a car trades financial freedom for material comfort. It is ultimately a step backwards.

So would taking out a mortgage on a cute-but-dilapidated house and moving out of our co-op, even if payments were cheaper than our rent. As cooperative members, we legally own our share of the house. We're in the best part of town, near my workplace, and surrounded by supportive friends. We have a degree of financial stability and freedom that a mortgage could never offer. Why would I trade that for more space in my name?

Ultimately, credit is the big bad. But it's not the only flaw of a capitalist system. Abstaining from credit is like bandaging a bad wound: The bleeding may have stopped, but healing has yet to come. We haven't healed until we can survive with as little financial dabbling as possible. We won't thrive as a culture until we cultivate sustainable individual lifestyles. Which does not mean, as the telly would like us to think, buying "green." It means buying almost nothing, it means growing, crafting, recycling, making, and bartering. That's pretty hardcore, and obviously such actions on a national scale would result in economic collapse. But so far as I can see, such a collapse is inevitable, and it is in my favor to be an early adapter.

New Toy

Lately days off are spent with family. I had a rough start this morning: failed my first attempt at breakfast, traveled a certain distance by foot only to realize I didn't have my bus ticket handy, played phone tag and got caught up in distracting conversations. Finally made it to my brother's house where I hung out until a few minutes ago, and was happy to get a ride home.

I shouldn't complain, though, as I was also very happy to receive an early Christmas present from my Mom: a brand new lap top computer!

I haven't had my own pc since my sophomore year of college (2004). My husband and I have had many, many computers since then, as we hang out with the sort of techie geeks who are constantly giving away their old systems. Darling even built a computer a couple of years ago. I've never felt comfortable with his system, however. We have very, very different ideas of data management. Darling's desktop reminds me of a filthy teenager's room; I can barely force myself to spend time on it. At first we were able to agree to disagree and share territory on old machines, but since he downloaded Ubuntu on his beloved machine, I've felt totally displaced. When we moved into the co-op I took up residence on the house computer while he remodeled our personal hall closet into his tiny man-cave.

I love cooperatively sharing a computer, but it can get old. Located in a small office next to the kitchen, it's primary function is to burn time while people wait for water to boil for tea. As I can spend several hours on a post, and most like to blog in the morning, it's not unusual to be interrupted seven or eight times by people "just checking in." If I write in the evenings, when people are up for late-night chats about their day, writing is nearly impossible. And that's just for the blog. My creative writing has taken place in shoddy notebooks and loose scraps of paper.

My Mom bought this laptop for herself before remembering that she still doesn't know how to operate her CD player (she still refers to DVDs as "tapes"). Darling and I argued with her for a bit, insisting that she can figure it out, but she drove it up to Austin today and threatened to keep it in her car until someone took it off her. So I did, and am extremely grateful for the treat :) I can't wait to take it to the library a few hours a day for some peaceful creativity.

No Spend Month Update

Darling and I are roughly half way through our no spend month, and I'm not feeling too optimistic about our progress.

Oh, our spending has been kept on the minimum. So far we've spent only $123. That got us two monthly bus passes, $20 worth of booze shared with our house on a special occasion, one $2 root beer (a moment of weakness on my part, no excuse), and Darling's new $45 bike. We've put $68.50 into our savings account and sent the same amount to my student loan company. Although we could have spent less by buying those needed bus passes last month, buying the bike next month, and abstaining from brewskies, I defy you to tell me that $123 is such a horrible tally at this point in the month.

No, our spending hasn't been the problem. It's our earnings, or rather lack thereof. I've only brought home $640, excluding change (of which I have about $30 collected in a jar that will be going to the bank soon enough). This is a little more detail than I usually go into, having stopped just short of telling you exactly where my $30 in change is just in case you wish to rob me, but the devil is most certainly in these particular details. 640 is a scary enough number to see this late in the month. But when I subtract Mom's inevitable phone bill, the rest of my monthly payment to the phone company, and the other bits and pieces that make up my savings/debt servicing/charity formula, I have pretty much no money set aside for rent.

Oh, screw it, details: I have $88 set aside for rent. Not including the change.

I have some paychecks coming, of course, and can pick up shifts from both jobs in the coming weeks. We'll make rent happen, I'm sure, because it pretty much has to. Friday is my orientation for my new cleaning gig, and that will help. Darling, obviously, is applying for jobs like crazy. We'll make these pieces fit together somehow.

What frustrates me isn't that we might not make ends meet, but the sometimes overwhelming feeling that Darling and I aren't moving forward. No-Spend Months are often a way of jump-starting our finances when our incomes flag or our spending gets out of control. This month, so far at least, not spending hasn't felt so much like a revolutionary choice.

Disappointing Shifts

One would think that having two jobs would ultimately result in the benefit of working more regularly than I have been. One would be wrong. Actually, that would make at least two of us.

BOTH of my jobs basically blew me off this week, and for much of the month so far. It's a good thing I was planning on limiting my spending anyway, because ends simply aren't meeting here in the Softly household. It's enough to make me a little panicky, especially on days like today when I earn only $22 in tips. My beloved Capoeira is off for the foreseeable future, I'll have to tell my brother that Darling and I can't possibly afford to bring a tofurkey to his Thanksgiving celebration - and certainly not the three or four needed to feed the other five vegetarians and inevitable curious meat eaters who will be attending, and I can not, under any circumstances, give in to my desperate craving for ice cream.

Really hope things pick up in the coming weeks. At least December should be profitable, between to jobs and a cleaning gig.

Biking? Amazing!

A few days ago Darling dragged one of our beat up old bikes - which spent more than one winter out in the cold and rain - and donated it to the yellow bike project. He also purchased a "new" bike for $45. I know I said we were going to repair both of our crappy bikes for about that much money, but...well, we changed our minds.

Since we spent about twice as was expected for the one bike, I decided to put off purchasing one for myself in lieu of borrowing for the time being. Both my brother and sister have offered me the long-term loan of theirs, and my housemate M has loaned me hers more than a few times. It's not a perfect solution, but the house really does have enough bikes to go around...

So today, for the first time, my husband and I pedaled to North Austin to hang out with friends. We took a very roundabout route, too, because we decided to swing by the kids capoeira class in East Austin.

We rode for about 2 1/2 hours, and it was an absolute revelation. I never realized how bike friendly the city is. There are so many trails and bike lanes that I'd never noticed before. And this is going to sound dumb, but bikes are really fast. Suddenly, areas of Austin that would take forever to reach are only a pleasant ride away.

I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out! I have so many bike activist friends who were dumbfounded by my obstinate refusal to give up the bus and my walking shoes for what I saw as a big heavy liability that would put me in harms way. I can now definitely understand their confusion.

I can't wait to get used to this mode of transportation so we can travel all over (and beyond) Austin.

I was so proud of us that I tried to trick Darling into having a meal out to celebrate. But he very patiently and repeatedly reminded me that we're not spending this month. We did take a bus home (with our monthly bus passes), since we were exhausted. There were a lot of people at our house when we got home, including an acquaintance who admired Darling's sweater.

Oh, the stories that sweater could tell. My brother owned this hideous bulky wad of yarn for years until my sister-in-law made him put it in a charity bag several years ago. You can imagine my horror when Darling, who weighs about a hundred pounds less than my brother, took it home. So many domestic battles have been fought over that garment. It amazed me to hear someone compliment the hideous thing, and mention she was hoping to find a similar item in green.

The next thing any of us knew, Darling had pulled the sweater off his back (being English, he had no fewer than three shirts on under it) and handed it to the admirer. She immediately pulled it over her head and exclaimed with pleasure at the texture of the fabric. Somehow the sweater seemed to fit this short, voluptuous woman as well as it fit my large stocky brother and tall skinny husband. I told her that the sweater had a beloved albeit stormy history, and to please make sure it had a good home.

My Darling is so...well, you know.

More Pepper Fun

I've been promising since last year to harvest and preserve this one type of pepper from our garden that I now totally despise. The peppers are itty bitty, but incredibly hot and ridiculously productive. I picked a bowl full and spent several hours trimming and threading up hundreds of the little buggers. Now my fingers are on fire, my face is burning, and it seems like I'll have to sleep with my contacts in.

Hopefully they will dry without incident and I can grind them into chilli flakes or paprika. According to what little research I've done, though, this won't be easy. Texas is a fairly humid state, particularly hereabouts, though our winters are fairly dry. Also, it seems that thin-skinned peppers, like paprika, are better for grinding. Definitely asking the gardeners to plant paprika next spring.

Surplus Income

Although I'm doing a lot of thinking about savings, I'm not completely forgetting that earnings play a part in financial freedom. This month I started a second job at a cafe, which I kind of regretted immediately. There's nothing really wrong with this business, and I haven't exactly been overwhelmed as of yet, but for some reason juggling jobs feels like a big step back for me. I even tried to turn in my two-week notice yesterday, but my (really pleasant) boss convinced me to stay on for a few weeks more with only one shift a week - a shift of my choosing no less. This should earn me roughly $175 a month.

At the same time, I've been offered a slightly better deal. A friend of mine has a small green cleaning business, and has some nearby clients she can no longer work for. Apparently the work is within easy walking distance and pays $20 an hour. She's offering me 10 hours a month. How can I say no to easy money?

At this point I kind of have to say "yes" to any and all income. After all, Darling and I owe ACC $638, I'm hoping to make the final debt payment of $200 to my brother and sister in law before Christmas, and of course there is that big pile of debt owed for my student loans. That's not even considering the money I'd like to have for my yoga teacher certification course next September. An extra $300 a month is exactly what I need.

Even if I don't actually want it.

Snowball Fight

In The Tightwad Gazette, Amy Dacyczyn describes her snowball principle with the Smuckster and Albright families. Both families live next door to each other and have roughly the same income and expenses. At the end of the year, both families have each saved $100.

The Smucksters believe they deserve a treat - and who can blame them, having presumably survived the year without the help of credit, which would make this analogy far too messy even for Dacyczyn's mathematical leanings - and spend their cash on dinners out and treats. The Albrights, who want to make a down-payment on a house in five years, carefully cultivate and invest their small savings in order to make this dream a metaphorical reality.

I'm torn by whether or not this savings snowball is a rational plan of action. After all, how many people can expect five years of steady income and expenses over the course of five years? Obviously frugality and savings are a good thing, but are the benefits so clean cut? Can such small savings as buying in bulk be adequately measured and in fact invested in such a beneficial way? Could saving $50 by using cloth diapers really result in tens of thousands of dollars in savings five years later?

...You guys do know I like a challenge, right?

As I seek a new style of facing finances and pushing my frugal boundaries, I also wonder how to measure our success to best make a point. What if Darling and I could create a snowball savings account and watch it grow for five years or so? Could we put Dacyzcyn's theory to the test and prove her right?

I pitched my idea to Darling yesterday as we waited for the bus. Having described my plan to fix our bikes and spend less money on bus fares, I suggested we open a snowball account to capture the resulting savings.

After the bike repairs are paid for, we will watch the automatic savings grow painlessly with the help of automatic deductions from our bank account. In the meantime, we will discuss other investments to be made with these savings that build to the snowball. For example, we might use the savings to purchase supplies that will save us money in other areas of life (and of course invest the resulting savings), pay for classes in skills that will result in surplus income (though not Darling's college classes as that would complicate the matter), or invest in traditional savings vehicles to earn interest.

This account will require a lot of attention to do it's job, but must also remain "outside" our regular budget. We can't use it for emergencies or even fund it by means unrelated to the snowball. After all, there are plenty of articles about people who saved X amount of dollars by pinching every penny. I'd like to know how much a young couple can save by simply deciding to ride their bikes instead of taking the bus.

I'd like to start rolling on the first of next month, and will make a goal of "feeding it" on a regular basis. I'm really excited to start 2011 with such a positive game. And if anyone else is interested in a snowball experiment, it would be great to have some moral support and brainstorm partners :) All you need is a bank account and a frugal savings idea. I'll throw in a few ideas for free:

* Give up soda and bottled water

* Stop eating out, or even eat out one less time a month

* Cancel your cable

* Google "how to save money," and find a much more comprehensive list

Perfect Co-op Day

Yesterday was such a lovely day!

For months (nearly a year) the entire co-op has been preparing for the Annual General Meeting, to which everyone who has ever lived at the house is invited. Last year's meeting went horribly, horribly wrong, creating a huge amount of clean-up work and stress for residents and non-residents alike. So there was a certain amount of trepidation as we approached this one. Would there be arguments? Legal threats? Lawyers?!

Because the meeting was also a potluck, everyone in the house participated in cooking and/or clean-up. Darling made a delicious potato and leek soup the previous evening, I baked two loaves of rye bread, one housemate was up at 6:30 a.m. prepping an elaborate seasonal lasagna, another roasted root veggies. Other housemates ran to and from the store for last minute ingredients, washed our constant stream of dishes and cleaned the kitchen around the cooks, beautified the dining space, and otherwise prepared the house.

And, amazingly, the meal was absolutely perfect. We had a house full of early members, including one of the founders (who dreamed this place into existence thirty years ago). The meal and conversation went on for ages, we finally started our meeting and had an excellent facilitator who managed - against all odds - to keep the mood light and positive and conversation on track. We voted in a new board and very gently managed to nominate only people who would get unanimous approval.

After the meeting it was absolutely unthinkable that the house would not decompress with adult beverages. That was the inevitable result of months and months of stress and anxiety being diffused in such a gloriously pleasant manner. Our strange little family is safe! I collected cash and requests, and someone gave me a ride to the nearest liquor store to purchase a couple of bottles of wine, a tenth of whiskey, and a case of beer. We spent the rest of the afternoon simply talking in the garden, and as it grew dark and chilly, moved round the fire pit to chat late into the evening, and even later we enjoyed herbal tea in the kitchen. Definitely one of the days that I will always remember, absolutely perfect. Living in a co-op is not always easy, this year in particular tested our perseverance far beyond our expectations, but it days like yesterday made it so totally worthwhile!

...

It would be wrong not to note that we did spend an unexpected $20 pitching in on adult beverages during our no-spend month. That little indiscretion will hopefully be the last, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it!

In fact, I will take this as a lesson. Brewing our own alcohol may be one of those sustainable urban hobbies I've been considering. Darling and I probably couldn't save much money brewing our own, but there would be other benefits. Environmentally speaking, we'd reduce waste and consumption: we wouldn't have to worry about the petroleum used in transport, and we'd invest in good bottles to for repeated re-use. We'd also know where all of our ingredients come from, whether or not they are organic or fair-trade and what not. And of course home-crafted beers will be lovely gifts for friends and family!

Embracing Urban Frugality

I've been doing a lot of thinking on thrift, lifestyle, and penny-pinching from an urban perspective. Like I mentioned before, short of moving away from the co-op (and all the excellent benefits of living here), we're not going to save money on rent or groceries, regardless of how many loaves of bread I bake. But that doesn't mean Darling and I are stuck in a rut. Just the opposite: we have many opportunities that are totally out of the rural homesteaders reach! We might not own goats, but we don't need a truck either. One lifestyle isn't necessarily better than the other, but there is a trade-off to be appreciated, and more important, taken advantage of.

For example, Darling and I are quite proud that we live a car-free life. Even when calculating money lost by not owning a car, including diminished time and fewer earning opportunities, I'm sure living car-free saves us thousands of dollars a year. However, when the transportation choices we make are measured against those offered by our environment, it is obvious that we could be saving more money and time! If we fixed our bikes (one from the Salvation Army, the other donated by a friend who yanked it out of a dumpster), it would cost a maximum of $50 with the help of the The Yellow Bike Project.

Darling and I use the bus at least three times a week, costing us a at least $48 a month. According to Google Maps, biking to our usual destinations is about 10 minutes faster than using public transport, which would save us 20 minutes round trip. The savings of an hour a week isn't incredibly significant, since that hour on the bus is spent reading, studying, napping, and chatting, but the addition of an hour of exercise - which is so hard to squeeze into our schedules- is. Therefore, a few hours and $25-$50 can save us $576 a year and help us lose weight and remain fit.

Amazing what a small shift in perspective can do for a lady, huh?

We're looking at cutting back other expenses as well, those incremental ones that seem so minimal but surely add up, and also the big ones that hit us hard once a year (have I prepared for Christmas yet? Of course not). There are a lot of crafts that have always seemed too big a hassle for just Darling and me. It might be time to learn to make soap, and give the excess bars out for Christmas. We're going to take a glass blowing class next week, and might start looking to create income selling crafts. Darling and I could be brewing more beer since we didn't stop drinking it after all. And if I actually started working on quilts once in a while, maybe I could actually sell one or two to cover the costs of my thrift store wardrobe.

Anyone else out there roughing it in the city? I know about all you awesome kids with apiaries and worm bins, but how many readers are taking an urban approach towards sustainability?

New Job Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago I needed some quiet time with a book and just couldn't manage it at the house. The library was closed so I popped into a nearby coffee shop, which was advertising for baristas.

Having fond memories of my last coffee shop job, I made an off-handed request for an application, which I filled in with little thought and handed back in before continuing with my book. Not long after that the owner happened in, interviewed me, and offered me a job.

I have very mixed feelings about working two jobs right now. On the one hand, I like my job. At my current schedule and rate of pay, I am able to support us reasonably well. If I opened myself up for more evening shifts, there would be slightly more money in it for me. My concern is that "slightly" more income might not be enough to accomplish next year's goals. There is also the fear that I'll earn slightly less money one month or another and not be able to make rent or meet our other obligations, since tip income is scary and there is a lot of competition for the good nights.

This other job has a decent hourly pay and small tip income. So I won't have to worry about not making rent due to a slow night. There is also a nicer social element to it, which is hard to explain but very tangible. Will I earn as much as making drinks as waiting tables? Hard to say. I actually feel very good about both jobs, but I don't want to keep both. If it weren't for my plan for yoga certification next year, I'd stick with my original job just for the history. There is a very, very small chance that I'll juggle both jobs for six months or less: We must stock up a savings account.

November will be a my probationary period with both. Whatever happens, the extra income paired with Not Spending might just get our net worth back on track by December.

November Net Worth

So, our total assets for November 2010 chime in at $1,832.24, which is $56 more than last month! Not bad considering we paid the first of three payments for Darling's Spring semester, purchased shoes, entertained guests, splurged on beer last night, and did in fact eat out a total of three times this month.

Our debt, however, is on the rise. It would have decreased by $14 this month, but in fact increased by $463.60 to $11866.27 thanks to the payment plan we set up to pay Darling's tuition. Bleh.

Which does what? Knocks our net worth back down to -$10,034.03, $407.36 less than last month. This is also the fourth month in a row that my net worth has sunk.

Which makes this as good a time as any to announce my November 2010 No Spend Month. Obviously my spending has gotten at least a little out of hand. Sure, I'm not hanging out at the mall or slurping lattes on a daily basis, but I've definitely let myself be thoughtless with my cash flow lately. Capitalism isn't all bad (one could argue), but mindless consumption is deadly. Especially now that Darling is a professional job-hunter again.

Darling and I discussed spending priorities last night and agreed that although we can forgo many luxuries and activities this month, Capoeira is a must. We're going to purchase two month passes, which will get us 8 classes each, for a total of $120. We'll also purchase two monthly bus passes for $40. Along with rent, our total expenses shouldn't amount to more than $1240 this month.

My hope is that by not spending (beyond the aforementioned exceptions), and by my working two jobs for this month, Darling and I can bump our net worth back to where it was last May.

Canning Hot Stuff

Just in case you're worried I'm forsaking the kitchen altogether, yesterday was mostly devoted to pickling and canning this year's massive jalapeño crop. The house has about five plants, two of which could look me in the eye (for some reason plants get really, really tall in our garden) and were way too productive to be kept up with.

This was my first time pickling, and I did so without my canning supplies since those are still at my Mom's. I filled our biggest pot with boiling water, set an inverted veggie steamer at the bottom to support the jars, and Darling bent a clothes hanger so as to offer some support to the jars. I used tongs to move the jars in and out of the boiling water. A couple of housemates helped harvest and slice, and now we have about six and a half pints! Hope they turn out alright :)

Even though this won't affect our grocery bill, it will knock one favorite luxury item off our grocery list for the rest of the year. And I know the gardners appreciate their hard work not going to waste.

Change Is In The Air

The first blogs I ever read taught me how to cook and shop responsibly when my life depended on it. Not only did I learn to bake bread, then pizza, and eventually homemade pasta, but it was a real relief to know there were other women, couples, and families scraping by on almost no income. And they were doing it for funsies. I desperately needed that community when I was a young wife with no money or family support.

Funny thing about that community is that we didn't have too much else in common. For a number of reasons, my favorite bloggers were skirt-clad mothers milking goats, homeschooling their half a dozen kids, and using the phrase "stewardship." In the meantime, I was a very active member of the feminist and lesbian organizations on campus, spent my days tutoring Japanese students and grading papers for my soon-to-be-ex-professors, and was of course the breadwinner of my household.

Now I know that there's a lot more diversity than judgement in this crowd, but at the time my greatest desires were to be accepted and relevant. So it wasn't until my radical feminist friends and I drifted our separate ways (they in the direction of graduation and careers, myself towards Texas) that the time seemed right for my Challenge.

With the guidance of my fairy blogmothers and the encouragement of numerous long-time readers whom Darling has dubbed "The Mother Hens" (you know who you are), I cultivated many frugal and enjoyable hobbies to share on my own blog. Sewing, knitting, cooking, baking, gardening, brewing beer, buying local organic produce and bulk grains, canning, green cleaning, and conserving resources were my primary activities. Some months were better than others, but ultimately I felt proud that Darling and I were living within our means and by our principles.

And then a year ago we moved into a co-op.

We'd become so dedicated to eating locally that bananas looked foreign and even a little offensive. We were so unused to packaging that the store-bought cheeses and cartons of soymilk were discouraging. We knew that our standards might be a little extreme even for the average Austin hippie, so Darling and I did not suggest the house totally forgo store-bought bread. I imagined that if we baked our own, others would eat it and the house would naturally stop buying bread. The same would go for cheese and yogurt. Soon, we'd be growing so much food that our grocery bills would naturally dip and become non-existent as a household, and everyone would quit their jobs and spend our days turning compost and brewing hard cider.

Not so much.

When I bake bread, there is an immediate uproar. Everyone slathers the hot, yeasty slices with butter and honey and within hours two loaves have become one. And the remaining bread is never touched again. I don't know why. We eat leftovers; a big pot of rice and beans is eaten with gusto over the course of days. But even when I was bringing in professionally baked, sliced bread from the bakery, it was ignored so long as we had the traditional stuff.

The same thing happened with my yogurt. People love the yogurt, but not so much that they won't buy the identically flavored stuff anyway, and then both jars spoil before they are finished. Same with homemade dressings and even delicious ketchup. I have battled this for a year. So have the gardeners, who spend hours a day ensuring the house has a steady supply of fresh greens and root vegetables. But the grocery bill stays the same. When we save money eating home-grown greens, we splurge on orange juice and, yes, bananas.

Since everyone in the house cooks on a fairly regular basis, I don't need to be in the kitchen every day. Since the garden is managed by two semi-professionals, I leave them to it. I dropped these hobbies not out of necessity, but because a community allows us to live in a fairly conscious manner without being totally conscious about it all the time. Suddenly there was a lot less to blog about, because these crafts weren't really saving me money...in fact, I could no longer really save money, our needs are covered by a fixed rate. Everything else is excess.

The other day I caught myself fantasizing about living in a small lonely cabin somewhere northwest, knitting by a fire while bread bakes in the oven. Surprised by this desire, I wondered what I really wanted, and realized that a lot of my activism, and resulting feelings of self-worth, results from what I do from home in the kitchen. It makes sense, since my heroes are back-to-the-landers and modern pioneers, but at the same time I think that a sustainable future for mankind lies in urban community development and cooperative living.

It seems that I got so caught up in Homemaking 101 that when homemaking became less relevant in my life, so did my principles.

Thus my pursuit of self-improvement via meditation, martial arts, and yoga. I don't want to stall at this period of my life, because Darling and I have a long way to go, promises to keep and so on. I've wondered if some bloggers slow down or stop after five or so years because they find themselves in a similar position: having mastered certain areas of their lives, yet unable to maintain perfection, they see nowhere else to go but backwards.

About six years ago I looked for inspiration and guidance from matronly figures that were lacking in my childhood, mothers and grandmothers who would share the secrets of yarn and dough, marriage and housekeeping. At 25 I have different needs and areas for growth, and it is my hope that this blog evolves with me. Ultimately, this will continue to be a blog about money, and will always be a critic of the credit industry. But it took me a full year to realize that I very nearly SUCCESSFULLY eliminated the need for an actual, at-all-traditional budget from my life, which is a massive step towards total financial freedom. It also took me a year to realize that I've been emulating people who share my core values, but can only teach me so much on this journey, and whose lifestyles don't actually relate to my own vision.

Strange though it might seem, this is a scary point in my life because I don't know where to go next. At 19 years of age I honestly didn't know how to be a wife or a grown-up. At 25 I'm contemplating becoming a freaking Yogi. Life is weird. Especially from a financial perspective.